Instinct
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: It might have been considered sexy if they were human, but it was just awkward as cats, nya? An outtake from the Kabuikicho Stray Cat arc. Katsura/Gintoki, in that order.


It was kind of sad, but Gintoki had to admit that he was an ugly cat. No, not even an ugly cat, but an _ugly-ass_ cat. Small, white, and puffy... Sure that sounded cute, but his face was squashed in and his eyes were beady. He almost looked like one of those prissy furballs the rich ladies liked to carry around with them as living accessories, decked out in silky, lacy bows and rhinestone-studded collars, all the while thinking, "Kill me now, dear lord, kill me now before this woman makes me wear those hideous booties with the pompoms on them."

Maybe if one of those cats managed to make it out into the wild, it would end up looking like Gintoki did right now, with clumps of his fur sticking together in a massive series of full-body cowlicks.

Zura, on the other hand, had the audacity to become a perfectly proportioned, perfectly sleek black kitten. No fucking perm, no fat cheeks, smashed nose, or bulging eyes with tiny pupils. He even had that damn blue bandanna tied around his neck to make him look even cuter. Bastard.

To make matters worse, Katsura was taking to his feline instincts like a natural. He hunted like a cat; had no qualms about viciously tearing apart small birds and rodents with his cute little fangs. He groomed himself like a cat and piss-marked his territory like a cat. He even thought nothing of taking a dump in the wilderness...

(...But then again, he had apparently never had reservations about taking a dump in the wilderness, if that was how he'd ended up this way.)

Gintoki looked over at that moment, which made Katsura pause in his feline cleansing ritual. With his tongue still extended on his leg, Katsura looked back at Gintoki.

"...I could groom you, if you'd like."

"Like hell you will!"

"Regular grooming is essential. Not only will it keep you clean, which is very important for a long-hair such as yourself, but mutual grooming also facilitates social bonding among trusted individuals. Cats are quite solitary creatures most of the time, so it is rare to receive such a valuable offer. I wouldn't do this for any of the others, you know."

"No."

"Suit yourself." And with that, Katsura returned to licking himself, lifting his leg high into the air, dainty kitty tongue swiping suspiciously close to his crotch... It would have been disgusting if it wasn't so goddamned _cute_.

(Although... the fact that it was so goddamned _cute_ made it pretty disgusting.)

Hmph. Gintoki was going to return to his human form as soon as possible. Maybe he'd wake up tomorrow and find that it had all been a bad dream. There was no need to learn how to survive like a cat, was there? Nah, no need at all. He'd wake up and treat himself to a couple of parfaits instead of rats.

Gintoki curled up tighter. He was fluffy enough, sure, but it was a chilly night. As he lay hunched in on himself, tail swinging lazily behind him, he noticed that Katsura had finally stopped licking his dirty balls. Seriously, had he no shame? It was one thing to relax and be a bit of a slob around old friends, but quite another to lick your own balls right in front of them! What the hell had that been all about? Jeez. Even if they'd known each other since the dawn of time, it wasn't suddenly okay for Zura to perform autofellatio in front of him!

(Not that it wouldn't have been hot if they were still in their human bodies, but this was cat autofellatio. A lot more kinky, and yet simultaneously a lot less sexy.)

As Gintoki was engrossed in those thoughts, Katsura padded over and swiped at the white tail that Gintoki was still swishing around in boredom.

"Would you stop that? It's creeping me out."

"I can't help it, nya. Your tail is just..." Katsura trailed off, staring intently at Gintoki's tail. His paw twitched with each swaying movement of Gintoki's tail. "...so...mesmerizing..."

Swipe, swipe, pounce! Katsura landed with the white tail between his paws and mouth, playfully batting and nipping at it. This was troubling. Deeply troubling.

"You're 100% cat now, aren't you? You're just running on instincts. You've forgotten how to be human. We'll turn back and you'll still lick your balls in public."

Katsura just mumbled around a mouthful of tail, "Of course I haven't forgotten. It's just..." Munch, munch, chew, lick. "...that it's much easier to give in. A warrior must adapt to the situation..." Nuzzle, purr, purr. "...if he is to survive the battle." Katsura nudged even closer until he was practically laying on top of the other cat, then turned his attention to the fluffy white ears in front of him.

"You can't honestly be talking about being a warrior in this state. Have you looked at yourself lately? You're drooling in my ears."

And he did, in fact, have one of Gintoki's ears in his mouth right at that moment. And he was nibbling on it. If they had been human, Gintoki thought, this might have been considered foreplay. As it was, it probably just appeared overly cute.

"Meow?"

Katsura apparently took the statement to mean that he should drool on Gintoki's face instead. They were pressed up against each other, with Katsura leaning over to lick around his cheeks and neck.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I should think it would be obvious. I'm cuddling, nya. And grooming you."

Gintoki sighed, and with one last disgruntled look, put his chin back down over his paws and closed his eyes. Whatever. Zura could continue to do his kitty things if he really wanted to. It wasn't because this grooming thing was relaxing or felt good. Ha! Of course not! It was just a lot warmer with another furry body around.

Somewhere along the way, their limbs wound up tangled around each other. Maybe Gintoki had started participating in the grooming session as well, pink tongue darting out to smooth out the fur in places Zura couldn't reach himself. Maybe. He was entirely human, damn it! Err...except for this temporary body. But it wasn't like he had stupid cat instincts telling him to clean his buddy and bask in the glory of cat-friendship!

It was comforting, though, to have found a familiar presence in this strange new world. It was...nice. Gintoki found himself closing his eyes contentedly. They fell asleep that way - a fluffy white cat and a sleek black cat wrapped around each other.

-oOo-

Gintoki woke up to a strange rhythmic motion against his rump. His eyes narrowed, and if cats could frown mournfully, he would have done so.

"Are you humping me, Zura? You're humping me, aren't you? If you're so frustrated, why don't you go fuck a broken bottle? I hope you cut your penis off."

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" The black cat punctuated his declaration with a few more snaps of his hips.

"That's not the point."

"I'm sorry. You're just...so fluffy. And you smell like my mate. I think I have a sudden urge to procreate with you."

"You think?"

"Mmm. Yes. Would you mind lifting your rear up a little? I have a feeling that things would go easier that way."

"Get off! You're not mounting me!"

Gintoki flew out from under the other cat. He stood up on his hind legs and was about to give Katsura the beating of his life with burning passion equivalent to that of a thousand fiery suns or a hundred of their usual hair-pulling matches. Unfortunately, this put Katsura's face next to his crotch, and that was when they were interrupted.

"Uho." Kondo-gorilla's giant primate head popped out from behind the bushes. "Are you two...? Ahh! I'm so sorry! I must apologize for interrupting nature's greatest act of love!"

"YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!"


End file.
